Sunday, 25 October 2015

MILLY: A CRUSH IS NO JOKE...

Reader Milly writes about why falling in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist can hurt much more than you'd imagine…

Milly says:
The first time I saw Chris, this time last year, I was lost. Our eyes met across a crowded living room, and he grinned and said hi and looked away again, back to the computer screen where he was looking up chords for a song he was trying to learn on guitar. I probably captured his attention for roughly two seconds, but for me it was different. My heart was doing somersaults, my cheeks were pink, my pulse was racing. It was like being in a cheesy romcom film or one of my mum's slushy novels. I was in love.

Chris was - is - my friend Pippa's big brother. Pippa only joined our school last year, so she and Chris were new to the area… it's not like I'd seen him growing up, watched him going through an awkward, spotty, pre-teen phase. He just dropped into my world like a gift from the gods. Pippa could see it happening, of course. 'Please tell me you don't fancy him,' she asked after that first time. 'I don't think I could stand it!' But I did fancy him, and Pippa was more understanding than I thought she would be. She answered all my questions, told me everything I wanted to know about Chris. He was seventeen, good at English, music and art, liked weird bands I'd never heard of, had lots of friends but no serious girlfriend. He was in a band with some friends… he played lead guitar. He was kind to children and animals, and he always remembered my name when I called over to see Pippa.

'Don't get your hopes up,' Pippa told me. 'I don't want to hurt you, but he's not interested. He thinks you're too young. He just sees you as my friend.' I knew she was right, but I couldn't help dreaming. In fact, dreams about Chris filled my days as well as my nights. I dreamed that he asked me out, wrote a song for me, bought me flowers. I dreamed that he kissed me on the lips and told me I was beautiful, that he'd never met anyone like me before, not ever. I was lovesick. When I did see him, I was tongue-tied and awkward. I knew he was too old for me, too good for me, but I couldn't help myself. I doodled our names together in the back of my school jotter. Everyone told me it was just a crush, but it didn't feel that way. I knew it was one-way, I knew he barely knew I existed, that he saw me as a kid, but my feelings were too strong by then. If it was a crush, it was crushing ME. I was sad all the time, longing for something - someone - I just couldn't have.

It ended when Chris went to uni earlier this month. He's miles away, in Glasgow, and according to Pippa he has a girlfriend now. I know it's time to let go. This crush hasn't made me happy… it's made me sad and mopey, wistful and pathetic. A boy in my French class asked me out in the summer and I said no, because he wasn't Chris… but seriously, if Chris had asked me out, would I have coped? Probably not. He is five years older than me, and I'd have been way, way out of my depth. I was safer with dreams and fantasies. So when do you let go of a crush? When do you move on? I don't know, but now seems like a good time because one thing's for sure, this crush is not making me happy. I am writing this because I know it's over - even though, of course, it never actually began in the first place. I am setting myself free. If the boy in my French class asks me out again, I might say yes. And if Chris come home in a few years time and looks at me for more than two seconds… really looks at me… well,  who knows. I can dream.

All names have been changed in Milly's account.

Awesome artwork by reader Violet - just wow, and thank you!

Cathy says:
Milly's heartfelt description of a crush is really powerful… most of us know the feeling. Have YOU ever fallen for someone you really couldn't have? What happened? COMMENT BELOW to tell us more!

8 comments:

  1. Funnily enough, being the soppy soul I am, I don't think I've ever crushed on someone it would be impossible for me to be with. I've had the intense feelings Milly describes 3 times in my life. None of them would have been impossible relationships. Our ages, orientations and interests aligned (I'm great at subconsciously picking out cat ladies!). Then again, maybe they wouldn't have worked - I went out with one of my crushes and I fancied her so much that I couldn't relax around her. I was awkward and frozen and I was either silent or babbling inanely. Not good! Either way, dwelling on the what-ifs doesn't do anything except keep me out of the present moment. Sure, it's upsetting to be rejected or ignored but life isn't like a movie and do you know what? That's for the best. If everything was perfect all the time, we wouldn't appreciate it. I've gone off topic, haven't I? Sorry! And thank you for being so complimentary about my artwork. I know it's just because I'm so self conscious of how bad at drawing I am - I can see many things wrong with the picture above - but it was very nice of you to say it's "awesome". Thank you.

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  2. Recently i have fallen for someone who is also in a band but they are only a few months older than me. I even dreamed about him and he appeared in all my dreams and in one he kissed me in the dream. This all developed over the summer and when year 9 started this September he was in my class. I got hints that i thought he might like me like the way he sometimes looked at me. Sometimes he would ignore me and that really put me down. I told my friends about him. It was more awkward after that because i sit next to him in science and my friends were in that class as well. After a few weeks i finally decided to tell him how i felt. I did it on Facebook because i couldn't get him alone to tell him. He told me it would be nice to get to know me better and that i was a great person but he was in a relationship at the moment. I told him that i was fine with us being just friends. I admit i feel really upset that he can't be mine but you can't have everything.

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    1. butterflyrainbow11 April 2016 at 19:05

      At least your friends. I have a hopeless crush on this guy. He found out and freaked out a little but I think hes pretending it never happened. We talk occasionally but recently he started dating my friend who knew i liked him....... awkward

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  3. In year eight there was this really cute boy called Laurie he liked my best friend and was a show off some times. His writing was amazing but he never noticed me and barely even looked at me it stung..

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  4. oh hi I'm a person you20 December 2015 at 18:58

    I like Olly Murs and the other night I had a dream about exclusively performing with him and I also have a crush at school this is complicated lol..

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    1. butterflyrainbow11 April 2016 at 19:02

      OMG. I absolutely ADORE Olly Murs...... And Shawn Mendes

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  5. Darn, I used to fancy Hiccup from How to train your dragon

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